This week I would like to share something that I first noticed on one of Dillon’s forums. This family adopted through Dillon International a few years ago. They share some very important information about how they feel as parents of special needs children. I hope you take the time to read this article very carefully and take some of their suggestions to heart. I think you will understand what I am talking about after you read their story.
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When you have 5 boys, people tend to notice.
When two of the five are adopted from South Korea, people tend to notice.
When one of the five is special needs, people tend to notice.
And when you are a conspicuous family, you learn that people will make comments and ask questions. It just comes with the territory.
Our youngest was born two years ago. He was a miracle from the beginning since we had long given up the hope of having another biological child. The pregnancy was very normal, but the moment Titus was born, we became aware of his special needs. The list is long and issues we were faced with at birth are no longer the issues we are faced with now. Titus is deaf-blind and has breathing and muscle tone issues. He is on oxygen 24x7. He has a cochlear implant which is very noticeable. At the age of two, he is not able to walk and can only support himself in a sitting position for a few minutes. We have had numerous surgeries and hospital stays. I mention that to say, his special needs are very noticeable when you meet him. But he is also very cognizant, very happy, and very content.
We do not let his needs hold us back. We are a very active family and take Titus with us everywhere we go.
We are finding that when we are out in public with Titus, we have parents who have special needs children that will come and talk to us. And over the last two years, we have learned a few things about parents of special needs children.
It's hard work - plain and simple. Parenting any child can be hard work (we have lots of experience with that), but parents of children with special needs face a whole slew of other challenges - and that in itself can make life hard. So when they find someone else who can relate, you automatically feel a connection because they know you understand.
We wish we could convey that to others, but the main thing we would like to say is this - if you can show compassion to them, show it; if you do an act of kindness (even just opening a door with a smile), do it. A simple smile in their direction means so much more than turning away and acting like you do not see them and their child.
Realize that the very act of being out of the house for this family can be a lot of work. But wherever they are, they are there because they chose to be, and not to be an object to be pointed at, stared at, or ignored. Treat them like you would treat any other person.
Tell them their child is beautiful - it is something they don't hear often (a worker at one of the fast-food restaurants told us how beautiful Titus was this weekend - and it was sweet music to our ears).
Don't talk about their child like he isn't there - respect that he is and can hear you. Realize that due to a child’s needs, he may require our attention while you are talking. Please realize we are not ignoring you, but have to address his needs immediately.
Don’t ask questions about the child’s needs immediately. It’s just rude. Get to know the family before asking personal questions about their child’s needs. There are times a parent just wants to be included in the same conversation that everyone else is having, and not having to answer questions about their child. Ask how they (the parent) are doing – they also need to feel like you are interested in them – not just their child.
Know that their schedule revolves around therapy, doctor's appointments, and other children. Due to the child’s needs, they might not get to take family vacations or attend fun family activities. Realize, that families with special needs don't get invited to come over to someone else's home, their other kids may not get invited to birthday parties or other activities, or they may get invited but may not get to attend. Include the family like you would any other family. They still like to hear that they are invited to participate. If they can come, they will make every effort - it just requires some advanced planning.
And, pay attention to the other children. They are used to people asking about their sibling with needs and sometimes they feel forgotten since no one notices or asks about them.
Know that having a special needs child can put an incredible strain on the marriage of parents. Statistics show that divorce among parents with special needs children is high. And we can understand that. Tending to a child 24x7 does not leave time for date nights or weekend getaways. It takes away from time couples spend together. If you can offer to keep their child for an hour so they can go out and have a cup of coffee, it can mean the world to them. It may mean you have to spend an hour just learning the basics of how to care for the child, but we can say having friends and family who can assist in the caregiving of our child helps us continue to have time for a date and time to be a husband and wife.
For us, we strive to keep life as normal and fun as possible for the other boys - we make sure they know that Titus is part of our family and we include him in all of our activities - it just takes some extra work and effort.
And last point, know that the parents of special needs children have received an incredible blessing that has forever affected their lives. We said one time that no one prays for a special needs child, they pray for a healthy child. But we can tell you that the last two years with Titus has changed us in a way that we never dreamed - and we can't imagine life without him.
About the authors
Paul & Becky D live in Frisco, TX. Paul is the Director of HR at an outsourcing company and Becky is a full-time mom to their 5 boys ages 12-2. They homeschool their boys, teach parenting classes and speak on parenting topics. They are blessed to have both sets of grandparents who live in town and two nurses who assist in their daily life. Their blog about Titus (and other things) is www.thelifeoftitus.blogspot.com.
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Now that you’ve read this family’s story and suggestions, I would like to hear from you. Do you have special needs children? If so, would you be willing to share some of your experiences or blessings as it relates to this topic? If you know of families with special needs children, how will this information make a difference in the way you approach and minister to these families? Thank you for sharing! It may help other families to find hope in their situation.
One other thing that I want to quickly share… Please check this out!! All you have to do is get on Facebook and VOTE for Dillon and encourage your friends to vote for Dillon too. Here are more details…
We need several more votes to give Dillon a chance to win this contest!
Dillon International Inc Dba Orphan Care International Inc.
Dillon wants you to support us in Chase’s Community Giving Campaign, which is donating $5,000,000 to charities around the USA. Facebook users are voting for the recipients! Please vote for “Dillon International Inc Dba Orphan Care International Inc.”
http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/charities/999792?src=wallpost&ref=nf
We appreciate your vote!
Until Every Child Has a Home...
Cherri
cherri@dillonadopt.com
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Post-Adoption Depression.. Could it Happen to You?
I was talking to a lady at church last Sunday and the topic of post-adoption blues or depression came up. I do not hear or read much about this topic, but it is something that honest families will admit that it is very real and very hard to deal with. I think that this problem is misunderstood because of the guilt which families feel and the reluctance to admit that they are having problems. Adoptive parents-to-be often receive a lot of support and excitement from others prior to the adoption. However, once all of the paperwork is done, the baby is home, the adrenaline is gone, the emotional high is over, the serotonin is lost, the finances are shot, the nights are long (or short), the bills roll in, the romance is diminished, and the happily ever after...is not always so happy after all...REALITY sets in. The reality of all of this can just snowball and steam roll over a person or family. Carrie, an adoptive mom of four children, explains it this way:
“New moms or dads, bringing home a new child is stressful to the family!! It is SOOOO worth it and many of us have done it several times and lived to tell the tale. :-) But do realize that bringing home a new child IS one of the most stressful things a household can experience. I loved how it was put in an article I read: a family (whether a couple only or parents and multiple children) is nicely balanced like a child's mobile. But as soon as you hang one more person on there, everything tips around and gets out of whack for a while! You have to settle into a new balance, a new normal! TOTALLY worth it, but it does take time.”
Carrie goes on to say, “… be aware of post-adoption depression and do not be afraid to talk to your doctor about it if you need to. And also if you are struggling as a family with the adjustment, please talk to your social worker about it!! Don't be afraid to say you are tired or worn out or that it isn't going as smoothly as you had dreamed. Remember, the Dillon workers WANT the adoption to succeed! They are ON YOUR SIDE!
“We all went through so much, jumped through so many hoops, maybe did infertility stuff, that finally when the child arrives we don't want to ever say that we are struggling. Sometimes our extended families and friends will even say things like "Well, you got what you asked for! Isn't this what you wanted?" ARGH!!! YES, the child is what we wanted, but we are still darn tired, worn out, and sometimes need to vent. Just like all other parents of newly arrived children! ;-)”
Every family and person is different and therefore, they may experience symptoms of post-adoption depression in different ways. For a more extensive list of post-adoption depression symptoms, please read the article published by RainbowKids.com at this link. http://www.rainbowkids.com/expertarticledetails.aspx?id=272
I was not prepared for any post-adoption depression the first time around. It did not dawn on me until a couple of years later what I had experienced. With our second adoption, I recognized my symptoms. I talked to my doctor about them and he prescribed some medication. After a few weeks of meds, I began to feel so much better.
I did not necessarily have the feelings of hopelessness or despair. My symptoms were mainly physical. I had a lot of body aches in my joints and especially in my sternum. I felt like I literally had the weight of the world on my chest. I just ached and craved sleep so badly. There were days that I thought I would do just about anything for more sleep. I felt so guilty. I thought that if I prayed more, exercised more, ate better, etc, that I would feel better and get over the aches and pains in my body. However, I had drained my body and mind of the vital chemicals that make everything function normally and just needed a little help to re-establish the internal balance.
Some adoptive parents have shared that they have struggled with depression due to their own infertility. Sometimes adoption can actually re-open wounds and expose grief that may have been buried during the business of the adoption process. Some families have found help through reading Dillon mom Karen Foli’s book called Post Adoption Blues.
So what should you do if you are struggling with post-placement issues or post-adoption blues?
Rebecca Hackworth, LCSW, offers the following advice, “[People] who struggled with depression at other points in their life or prior to the adoption are more likely to suffer from post-adoption depression as well. Time helps. One of our adoptive parents put up notes around the house that said, ‘It won’t always feel this way!’ Of course, if thoughts of harming oneself or others should occur, it’s time to seek medical and psychological support from a professional immediately. We have had parents use some medication during that adjustment time to help them accommodate those feelings. Sometimes talking with others who have struggled with the same adjustments is helpful. Dillon can often provide several names of adoptive families who have been brave enough to share those struggles with us and would be open to sharing with new adoptive families. Talk with your spouse, your pastor, or other moms. I don’t think anyone is outside the framework of understanding some of that struggle if they have children or adopted children. If no one in your “safety net” understands your struggle, keep looking! Get some breaks. Have your spouse or mom come during nap time to be with your child so that you can go get a massage or have lunch with a good friend that you can share your heart with if need be. It’s amazing what even a short break and a listening ear can do to help. Dillon has a post-adoption counseling office and they are available to you as well. Sometimes it is difficult for families to talk with Dillon as they are the group you convinced you were a perfect parent, but believe us when we say we will be supportive and understanding. Many of our staff have experienced similar struggles while building their own families.”
If you are struggling in this area and feel like you could benefit from some counsel, Rebecca Hackworth from Dillon International does offer adoption counseling services. You can contact her at rebecca@dillonadopt.com or 918.994.7945
Let’s get the word out about post-adoption depression. It is a very real phenomenon so people can be prepared to deal with it. It is important to know that this can also affect dads and kids.
Here are some more articles that you can read on this topic:
*http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=705
*http://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/Article/Post-Adoption-Depression---The-Unacknowledged-Hazard/53
*http://www.adopting.org/pads.html
*http://www.adoptionissues.org/post-adoption-depression.html
*http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-shock-dealing-with-post-adoption-depression_1374199.bc
Until Every Child Has a Home…
Cherri
cherri@dillonadopt.com
“New moms or dads, bringing home a new child is stressful to the family!! It is SOOOO worth it and many of us have done it several times and lived to tell the tale. :-) But do realize that bringing home a new child IS one of the most stressful things a household can experience. I loved how it was put in an article I read: a family (whether a couple only or parents and multiple children) is nicely balanced like a child's mobile. But as soon as you hang one more person on there, everything tips around and gets out of whack for a while! You have to settle into a new balance, a new normal! TOTALLY worth it, but it does take time.”
Carrie goes on to say, “… be aware of post-adoption depression and do not be afraid to talk to your doctor about it if you need to. And also if you are struggling as a family with the adjustment, please talk to your social worker about it!! Don't be afraid to say you are tired or worn out or that it isn't going as smoothly as you had dreamed. Remember, the Dillon workers WANT the adoption to succeed! They are ON YOUR SIDE!
“We all went through so much, jumped through so many hoops, maybe did infertility stuff, that finally when the child arrives we don't want to ever say that we are struggling. Sometimes our extended families and friends will even say things like "Well, you got what you asked for! Isn't this what you wanted?" ARGH!!! YES, the child is what we wanted, but we are still darn tired, worn out, and sometimes need to vent. Just like all other parents of newly arrived children! ;-)”
Every family and person is different and therefore, they may experience symptoms of post-adoption depression in different ways. For a more extensive list of post-adoption depression symptoms, please read the article published by RainbowKids.com at this link. http://www.rainbowkids.com/expertarticledetails.aspx?id=272
I was not prepared for any post-adoption depression the first time around. It did not dawn on me until a couple of years later what I had experienced. With our second adoption, I recognized my symptoms. I talked to my doctor about them and he prescribed some medication. After a few weeks of meds, I began to feel so much better.
I did not necessarily have the feelings of hopelessness or despair. My symptoms were mainly physical. I had a lot of body aches in my joints and especially in my sternum. I felt like I literally had the weight of the world on my chest. I just ached and craved sleep so badly. There were days that I thought I would do just about anything for more sleep. I felt so guilty. I thought that if I prayed more, exercised more, ate better, etc, that I would feel better and get over the aches and pains in my body. However, I had drained my body and mind of the vital chemicals that make everything function normally and just needed a little help to re-establish the internal balance.
Some adoptive parents have shared that they have struggled with depression due to their own infertility. Sometimes adoption can actually re-open wounds and expose grief that may have been buried during the business of the adoption process. Some families have found help through reading Dillon mom Karen Foli’s book called Post Adoption Blues.
So what should you do if you are struggling with post-placement issues or post-adoption blues?
Rebecca Hackworth, LCSW, offers the following advice, “[People] who struggled with depression at other points in their life or prior to the adoption are more likely to suffer from post-adoption depression as well. Time helps. One of our adoptive parents put up notes around the house that said, ‘It won’t always feel this way!’ Of course, if thoughts of harming oneself or others should occur, it’s time to seek medical and psychological support from a professional immediately. We have had parents use some medication during that adjustment time to help them accommodate those feelings. Sometimes talking with others who have struggled with the same adjustments is helpful. Dillon can often provide several names of adoptive families who have been brave enough to share those struggles with us and would be open to sharing with new adoptive families. Talk with your spouse, your pastor, or other moms. I don’t think anyone is outside the framework of understanding some of that struggle if they have children or adopted children. If no one in your “safety net” understands your struggle, keep looking! Get some breaks. Have your spouse or mom come during nap time to be with your child so that you can go get a massage or have lunch with a good friend that you can share your heart with if need be. It’s amazing what even a short break and a listening ear can do to help. Dillon has a post-adoption counseling office and they are available to you as well. Sometimes it is difficult for families to talk with Dillon as they are the group you convinced you were a perfect parent, but believe us when we say we will be supportive and understanding. Many of our staff have experienced similar struggles while building their own families.”
If you are struggling in this area and feel like you could benefit from some counsel, Rebecca Hackworth from Dillon International does offer adoption counseling services. You can contact her at rebecca@dillonadopt.com or 918.994.7945
Let’s get the word out about post-adoption depression. It is a very real phenomenon so people can be prepared to deal with it. It is important to know that this can also affect dads and kids.
Here are some more articles that you can read on this topic:
*http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=705
*http://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/Article/Post-Adoption-Depression---The-Unacknowledged-Hazard/53
*http://www.adopting.org/pads.html
*http://www.adoptionissues.org/post-adoption-depression.html
*http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-shock-dealing-with-post-adoption-depression_1374199.bc
Until Every Child Has a Home…
Cherri
cherri@dillonadopt.com
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Share God's Passion on Orphan Sunday...
Orphan Sunday is only a few days away. On Sunday, November 8, 2009, join with Dillon International and churches across the nation to spread awareness of the needs of orphans worldwide.
Orphan Sunday from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.To find an event in your area click here: Orphan Sunday Events
Thousands of children dig through the trash each day looking for something of value to sell for food. Dillon International’s orphanCare International serves thousands of at risk children each year. . . children living in orphanages, on the street, impoverished families and children living in foster care.
By reaching out to these children and providing them with food and a safe place to rest their head at night, we can offer additional resources. Through education and medical care these children now have a second chance for a better future. orphanCare International link
Loving and well-trained staff care for the children residing in Dillon’s orphanCare International sister orphanages. Each child is an individual with specific needs. Through the staff's support and love, we are finding ways to meet those specific needs.
Your gift can change their legacy. Here are a few things that your donations help to provide:
a Medical Care
a Daily Living Needs
a Educational Assistance
a Education scholarships in Vietnam
a Air Conditioner in the Kolkata Orphanage
a Beds for Birthmothers in South Korea
We care for the future of God's children. When they are without a permanent home, Dillon’s orphanCare International is there to provide the skills necessary for a brighter future. We pray that one day our services will no longer be needed. However, until that day comes, our mission is vital for our global children's future.
There, are many ways you can join orphanCare International to help these children. One way you can help is by making a donation during America's Giving Challenge. orphanCare International only has two more days to participate in this giving challenge contest. You can follow the progress on Facebook Causes
Between now and November 7th we have to get the most donations to our cause (every person can donate once per day and have it count as a unique donation). We can also win daily awards of $1,000 and $500 if we can get the most people to donate in any 24-hour period. The great thing about this Challenge is that it doesn't matter how much you give, but instead how much you do to encourage friends and family to get involved in our cause. We all need to come together and start promoting the cause if we want to win.
Each of us has tons of friends on Facebook who we can ask to donate to our cause. But let's think big too—can you put our cause in your email signature, can you throw a party and get people to donate through the cause when they enter, can you organize other people to go out and fundraise from all of their friends? As you reach out to your friends be sure to tell them why this cause matters to you. The possibilities are endless so let's talk about what we can do to win on the Wall of the cause or by replying to this bulletin.
Please donate today at Causes.com
AN ORGANIZATION YOU CAN TRUST
In fiscal year 2007, Dillon International spent 91% of its overall budget on program services. Individual percentages varied according to each program's needs. (Dillon International is the parent organization of orphanCare International.) Please note that 3% of each online donation is retained for credit card processing fees.
Until Every Child Has a Home…
Cherri
cherri@dillonadopt.com
Orphan Sunday from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.To find an event in your area click here: Orphan Sunday Events
Thousands of children dig through the trash each day looking for something of value to sell for food. Dillon International’s orphanCare International serves thousands of at risk children each year. . . children living in orphanages, on the street, impoverished families and children living in foster care.
By reaching out to these children and providing them with food and a safe place to rest their head at night, we can offer additional resources. Through education and medical care these children now have a second chance for a better future. orphanCare International link
Loving and well-trained staff care for the children residing in Dillon’s orphanCare International sister orphanages. Each child is an individual with specific needs. Through the staff's support and love, we are finding ways to meet those specific needs.
Your gift can change their legacy. Here are a few things that your donations help to provide:
a Medical Care
a Daily Living Needs
a Educational Assistance
a Education scholarships in Vietnam
a Air Conditioner in the Kolkata Orphanage
a Beds for Birthmothers in South Korea
We care for the future of God's children. When they are without a permanent home, Dillon’s orphanCare International is there to provide the skills necessary for a brighter future. We pray that one day our services will no longer be needed. However, until that day comes, our mission is vital for our global children's future.
There, are many ways you can join orphanCare International to help these children. One way you can help is by making a donation during America's Giving Challenge. orphanCare International only has two more days to participate in this giving challenge contest. You can follow the progress on Facebook Causes
Between now and November 7th we have to get the most donations to our cause (every person can donate once per day and have it count as a unique donation). We can also win daily awards of $1,000 and $500 if we can get the most people to donate in any 24-hour period. The great thing about this Challenge is that it doesn't matter how much you give, but instead how much you do to encourage friends and family to get involved in our cause. We all need to come together and start promoting the cause if we want to win.
Each of us has tons of friends on Facebook who we can ask to donate to our cause. But let's think big too—can you put our cause in your email signature, can you throw a party and get people to donate through the cause when they enter, can you organize other people to go out and fundraise from all of their friends? As you reach out to your friends be sure to tell them why this cause matters to you. The possibilities are endless so let's talk about what we can do to win on the Wall of the cause or by replying to this bulletin.
Please donate today at Causes.com
AN ORGANIZATION YOU CAN TRUST
In fiscal year 2007, Dillon International spent 91% of its overall budget on program services. Individual percentages varied according to each program's needs. (Dillon International is the parent organization of orphanCare International.) Please note that 3% of each online donation is retained for credit card processing fees.
Until Every Child Has a Home…
Cherri
cherri@dillonadopt.com
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